This is my fourth year in med school and for the past semesters, I really enjoyed the reading, thinking and even homeworks. And it is true that I was motivated to achieve better results and always trying my best to know better so that I could be of some use when it comes to discussion between me and him. As that motivation ceases, it seems like my results are getting worse and I started losing my good memories and critical thinking.
So all of these worse results and wrong doings come from losing motivation based on love?
After thinking thoroughly, I don't think this is the reasons that lead me to who I am and what I am doing now.
The most important reason is fear.
Fear of what others think about me.
People keep on praising me for my good results, for my logical thinking and etc, and this pushes me to a certain place much higher from where I started. Once you are used to good things, you take off your protection, you become vulnerable. You are afraid of losing, afraid of being not noticed.
When I experience fear, all my act comes out of fear instead of enjoying every bit even the hardest of all. I started noticing what people around me do and how they sees me. I am afraid I would lose in the long run and started comparing and it finally turns to deterioration of self confidence and dwarfing of self ability.
And to make things worse, sarcastics critics from friends and envy feelings that I bear, make me eventually give up on myself. Also the pride in me and arrogance, make me forget what is the basic of learning. Learning should be something that is happy and fun, it is all about input and output. Full concentration should be given to appreciate the miracle and beauty of life and to honor the findings that people have devoted their life in establishing.
After sorting out all my dilemmas and fear, the followings are my promises to myself.
1. I will engaged myself in learning, not for winning others or afraid of losing, but due to the joy that I get from learning and to satisfy my curiosity.
2. I will not compare how others do with what I do and I won't care about what they think about me.They are free to think anything about me and I am free to ignore what they think and continue feeling good about myself.
3. I will shut my ears on sarcastism and distance myself from negative energies that fueled on fear.
Let me happily be embraced by the joy of learning again ^^
