desperado!?...?!..seeking for a change in life

Today...I feel miserable and desperate...

without a reason?
without a trace?

nope...

things happen because it need to happen or there must be a reason or a motive behind
and yeah
i think i am the one bring this problem to myself....

i am that kind of person that thinks a lot...

bur actually thinking a lot without any realistic action is actually a waste of energy...

but i just can't stop thinking and i kept recalling what my aunts and uncle told me...

first i need to thanks them for taking care of me and give me words of advice...and...thanks them for using some time out of their precious life to care about me....

my fifth uncle actually said that i am the cause of my mum's death...
it really makes me curious...and self doubt...am i the one that cause my mum's death..

and my aunt...that was so concern about me going to the course " the power of change " that cost me RM 4400 for three days and two nights...but i mus tell that it will worth it....definitedly and in addition...i didn't use any extra money go to that course...my mum already paid for other courses..but now since she can't go anymore...i can use her previous payment for my course...

and my mum went to this course be4...and she totally changed...changed into a much better person ...not so bad tempered...and me myself...actually went to that course before...and experienced the change that had befalled on me...

but actually it is not the effect of the course solely....because after u participated the course and u have that amazing experience...but yet u refuse to change...then there is no use of attending that course...

but now...i am looking forward for a major swift or a new beginning of my life...but yet my life is now in a stagnant condition and i didn't experience any improvement in my life...i have improvement though...but no longer a major one...but some minor one...


but yet....my aunt said that i have not changed.....i think that is because she didn't know me deep enough...

anyone who know me will understand that...although i still have the same old stubborn me ...and the one that is so competitive...but my temper is much better and i can socialize with people much better right...

so...does that worth me desperate...ing...?

i dun't know...

but in connection with my mum's matter....
i promise myself...to let go of everything...
others opinion or comment....will make nothing good or bad...
so i won't care and no longer put it in my heart...

ok??

and i am not going to change my decision of going to that course because i am the one that need to change but yet i can't really see who myself really is rite now...
so i need a magic mirror so that i can look clearly into myself....

thanks goodness....my mum taught me well enough to handle my emotions...
thanks mummy for being generous to let me attend those courses that are good for me...

my mum was never stingy about my education, my material life and my spiritual life...

she let me learn meditation...go to life academy courses that are really superb...including " the power of change" although i heard rumours saying that my mum was so disappointed because my cousin sister did not change her personality even after attending the course...but i think the main key of everything is the person rite...

so i believe in myself that i am going to make it..a new change...a new yiping